Freedom, loneliness, and a long-awaited thank you

In the final part of his story, Roger James reflects on what it has meant to live a life shaped by adoption: the stereotypes he once carried, the freedom he eventually found in them, and the search that is still very much in progress.

From feeling like a reject to feeling free

As a child, Roger sometimes felt – in his own words – like a reject. His older brother was a high-performing, confident presence – and Roger, often shy in spite of being told he was an extrovert at school, sometimes felt like a freak.

But as a teenager, something flipped. The same thing that had once made him feel set apart started to feel like a virtue. In the politically charged 1980s – Thatcher’s Britain – Roger realised that being adopted gave him a kind of permission.

He didn’t have to share his parent’s political beliefs simply because he was raised in that family. Being adopted made it easier to be different. Nothing was hardwired. Nothing was destiny.

It’s not in my DNA. I’m free of any unwanted destiny. Free to be whoever I am. I don’t have anyone else’s baggage.

What had felt isolating became, in time, deeply liberating.

The one-person bubble

Even with that freedom, Roger describes a kind of loneliness that comes with being adopted – what he calls the one-person bubble. It can be funny. It can be desperately lonely. And it’s something he’s leaned on his friends to help him carry.

He found enough common ground to bond with his adopted brother – but he’s never quite met anyone with the same lived perspective. For someone who’s spent his life as a one-off, that uniqueness is both a gift and a quiet ache.

The half-siblings he’s already found

The story doesn’t end with a question – it ends with the beginnings of an answer.

Through Ancestry DNA, Roger has discovered 3 half-sisters and a half-brother – all on his birth father’s side, and all living in Australia. New relationships. New conversations. New family.

His ambition now is to sustain those connections across thousands of miles – and to keep going.

The thank you he’s still hoping to say

Roger hasn’t yet found the person who gave him life in 1967. His birth mother would now be around 76 years old.

He talks about her with deep emotion. About the gratitude that’s followed him since Ruby was born. About wanting – more than anything else – the chance to say thank you.

I just want the chance to say thank you to my birth mum.

The search continues.

Watch Part 4

🎬 Roger James Pt.4: Freedom, loneliness, and a long-awaited thank you is live on the Kindred Ponderings YouTube channel.

This is the final episode of our 4-part series with Roger – but his story is still unfolding.

Join the conversation

Are you an adoptee who’s found freedom – or loneliness – in being different? Or someone who’s still searching for the person who gave you life? We’d love to hear from you.

Roger’s story is shared with his permission as part of a 4-part series on Kindred Ponderings.